‘Orgasm’ Leads As Tourney Reaches Climax

Bucky Only Hope For Civilized People

Penney Lane Goes For 1-2-3 Finishes

Tournament Scenarios Posted

Friends and noble competitors, what can I say? It pains me to report to you that, alas, Longing For Gus Johnson’s Orgasms (Matthew Melick) is now the clear favorite to win the 2014 Chippens Tournament Challenge. The losses by Michigan State and Michigan cleared out Orgasm’s stiffest competition. As it stands now, Only K8Burst (Kate Dickens) can burst his bubble. She needs Wisconsin to win the championship. Any other outcome results in a win for the Orgasm.

Folks, it is not my aim to waste any more precious ink on Orgasm. Indeed, it has been my fervent hope ever since the tournament began that he would be relegated to the dark depths of the standings where he would go unnoticed and, therefore, mercifully unmentioned in these pages. But, no, that has not come to pass. Not at all. Not even close. Instead—to my utter horror and I’m sure to yours as well—he is winning. HE IS WINNING. And as he continues winning, he drags the good Chippens name through the muck and grime of his vulgar antics, which are more suited for a back alley penny peep show than the high culture of the Chippens Tournament Challenge. To think that the Challenge, the chosen forum of patriots and men and women of honor, has been subjected to these irreverent hijinks at all is bad enough, but the fact that I’ve been forced to advertise them daily has been akin, in terms of pure degradation and self-debasement, to the Queen of England being forced to wear Anthony Weiner’s “Carlos Danger” selfie on a sandwich board in Times Square.

But at least Orgasm is starting to realize what he’s done: “For a modest young man,” he wrote to me yesterday, “the tawdry fame is a bit embarrassing.” He then went on to explain that his handle refers to Gus Johnson’s “explosive” (his word) play-by-play commentary that has been missing ever since Mr. Johnson moved to Fox from CBS and is not in any way related to s-e—ugh, no, I refuse to even spell the word.

I appreciate Orgasm’s remorse, even if it is mere post-pleasure tristesse, but my fear has always been for the children. Yes, the children. How are the Challenge’s young participants supposed to grow in appreciation for the Challenge and its stars if their parents won’t let them read the daily recaps? Or even look at the standings? Somewhere out there, a kid wearing a “Cotter” or “Blizzard T. Husky” jersey has been deprived of following his idol battle through this year’s competition. Families depend on the inspiration the Challenge provides to get them through these last brutal weeks of winter.

Still, the calendar is now turning to April, the season of hope and rebirth. And hope does indeed remain that Orgasm will suffer an anti-climactic petite mort and gradually—finally!—shrink from view. Those hopes all rest in K8Burst, one of just two players to pick Wisconsin to win it all. The other, Quintillion Again (Lauren McCall), is doing much better than last year but is still not close enough to overtake Orgasm. K8Burst is a rookie this year. She could be just the second rookie ever to win the championship, joining Yma Nevob (Amy Boven), who won in 2011.

But Bucky must win. No one picked Kentucky or UConn to even advance to the final game, let alone win it all, meaning a win for them is as good as a win for the Orgasm’s chosen team, Florida. If either Kentucky or UConn did win, Orgasm would become just the second player to ever win the Challenge without correctly picking the champion. The other, Penney Lane (Angela Penney), has a good shot to finish in second place this year. If she does, she would be the only player besides Blizzard T. Husky with a first and second place finish on her résumé, and the only player to record a first, second, and third place finish.

If you’d like to know how you will place this year, check out Tournament Scenarios. This new report will show you your exact place in each of the remaining eight possible outcomes. On Wisconsin!