Everybody’s Gettin’ Stump’n

Gopher In Deep Hole

Auntie Em-aculate?

Mike Stump, the 2008 Champion and one of the most successful Chippens players of all-time, is making a serious push to become the first ever two-time Chippens Tournament Challenge Champion.

Stump, a/k/a Stumper, a/k/a Stump’n Claus, named after the Saturday Night Live character Sump’n Claus, went 7-for-8 in the Sweet 16, and he has all four of his Final Four teams still alive. He now holds a three-point lead over theRabbit and is on pace to set a new all-time record for points in a single season.

Stumper is no stranger to the top of the leaderboard. Stump’n Claus, as he’s now and forever will be known, seemingly has his own annual tradition of handing out “a little sump’n” this time of year to his fellow competitors.

If you don’t know what that “sump’n” is, let me give you a hint: That soreness in your hind-quarters isn’t from the extra long bike ride you did this weekend. Nope, you were paid a visit by Stump’n Claus. Every March this guy administers more bottom welts than Christian Grey at Bible study after-hours (for the really naughty).

Yes, it looks like this year, as in so many past years, everybody’s gettin’ Stump’n. Stump’n Claus currently ranks first or second in almost every career category in the all-time record books. By the end of this season, he could hold every all-time record in the career categories.

That includes reclaiming the most prestigious record, best All-Time Average Place. Stumper lost his #1 career ranking back in 2013, when he fell to third all-time behind Brandon Gamble and Cotter. That was the year Cotter—or as he’s more commonly known, the Albino Gopher—miraculously won the 2013 Championship despite being hung over and wanted by TSA.

Stumper now ranks second behind Cotter, who took over the top spot last year from Gamble. But it looks like Cotter is next in line to sit on (or lie across) Stump’n Claus’s knee. Cotter—who rebuffed Bucephalus this year by telling him he “only talks to other Champions”—presently sits in 61st place, and his best possible finish is 17th. His worst is 89th. The vampirish, rodent-like sub-hominid (I mean that affectionately) better hope his SPF baby’s bottom sunscreen also works as a soothing balm for bruised buttocks if he keeps up this performance.

Stumper has a bit more to accomplish before he can redden the Gopher’s pearly-white hide, however. Stump’n Claus has a lot riding on Arizona, who he picked to win it all. They’ll have to get past Wisconsin (Cotter has the Badgers in the next round) and then (presumably) Kentucky to even reach the final game. Stumper’s one of only three players currently in the top 20 without Kentucky as champion. He could still finish as low as 70th.

That means ‘ole Stump’n Claus has a lot of players with a lot of points left to earn behind him. Overall, 20 players still have a shot to win the Championship and many more can finish in the prizes. No player since theRabbit in 2009 has picked a perfect FinalFour, but several players have a chance this year. Out of the top 20, seven players still have all four of their Final Four teams still alive. Below that, Auntie Em (Marilyn Snider) and Politicalgrrl (Stephanie Hilton) also have a shot at a perfect Final Four.

Much will be decided today. Wisconsin/Arizona is closely divided, with dozens of players either picking the Badgers or the Wildcats. The moment of truth is also at hand for the four brave players who picked Notre Dame over Kentucky. Of the four, Champion can still win it all if Notre Dame pulls off the upset.

Good luck to all and to all a good night.