Slinger, Dooster 1-2

Pokey Princess Papa Picks Peter’s Peacocks

Silver Lake Hero Buried

Kentucky Fudged Up

Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, and Slinger gonna sling. The octogenarian earned the #1 spot via the first tie-breaker over the rookie first grader Daphne Dooster after Thursday’s games. No mercy!

Slinger is currently in Vegas. According to Slinger’s spokesman, Slinger could not be reached for comment because he was enjoying the fifth session of a nine-part lecture series on floral symbolism in decorative arts and dress during the French Restoration at the Clark County, Nevada public library.

The spokesman, fingering several crisp $100 bills in his pocket with one hand and reading hand-written notes in the margins of a Spearmint Rhino flyer in the other, said Slinger has not left the library since arriving in Vegas on Tuesday.

Daphne Dooster, however, could be reached for comment (before she went to bed):

“You mean I’m beating all these moms and dads?!?” she said.

“Yes,” I said.

“And I’m just a kid!!!” she said.

“That’s right,” I said.

“Where are you?” she asked.

“Down here,” I said.

“HAHAHA,” she said. “You should have picked what I picked.”

“Correct,” I said.

Slinger and Dooster did indeed make several correct picks on Thursday, but they didn’t make the biggest one of all—St. Peters over Kentucky.

Only Pokey Princess Papa picked the St. Peters Peacocks. “I want the underdogs,” he said when making his picks. “They try harder. That’s what makes them win.” Pokey Princess Papa went all-in on his upset bids, to put it mildly. It may not work out long term, but for now he and the Peacocks are strutting their stuff.

While the upsets of Iowa and Kentucky were a boon for some, they crushed the dreams of others. The Silver Lake Hero, for one, now has an uphill climb ahead. Although Hero is currently looking good in fifth place, as one of only four players with Iowa in the finals, the sands of time will be unforgiving.

And of course we feel bad for the Kentucky fans, especially Big Fudge. Last year, playing under the handle HowDidKentuckyGo9and16, he didn’t even get to see his beloved Wildcats play in the tournament. It looks like this year he won’t really get to either.

But that’s not all. Big Fudge is also one of two players, the other being Dabroff, who picked Kentucky to win it all and had Iowa in the Final Four. Now that’s gotta hurt like a motherfudger!

Think your bracket is fudged up too? Don’t worry. Friday’s games bring a whole new chance to move up the standings. Texas vs. Virginia Tech is the most evenly split game, with 59 players taking the Longhorns and 53 hoping for a Hokies upset.